Freedom to Be
by Cathy Cassani Adams, LCSW, PCI Certified Parent Coach®
I recently took my daughter to a birthday party and the invitation said to wear a tutu. My daughter decided to wear her butterfly wings instead. When we got to the party she quietly watched as the other girls ran around and chased each other in their tutus. She sat a few seats away as the group began to work on art projects. I wondered if she wished she had a tutu, if she wanted to go home, and simply how I could support her.
Just before cake she told me that she needed to go to the bathroom. Once we closed the door in the bathroom she started to jump up and down and told what a great time she was having. She started naming off all of the little girls in the room and telling me how her whole class was there. Much to my surprise, she was having a wonderful time. As we returned to the room she gathered with the other girls to look at the candles on the cake. For the last 30 minutes of the party she was running, laughing, and enjoying the experience.
Freedom to choose
Giving your children space to make their own decisions can be challenging and sometimes uncomfortable. I try to focus on what I really want for my daughter—to trust her own instincts and do what feels right for her. I could have told her that she should wear a tutu like all the other girls at the party. I also could have pushed her into interacting with the other children as soon as we got there by saying something like: "All the other kids are playing, why don't you?" I could have asked her what was wrong or asked her why she was "being so shy." I have been tempted to do all of these things, but I know it would not be in her best interest. It would have been for my social comfort rather than her benefit.
When children are young we tend to push them to do what their peers are doing. Yet, as children get older, we hope that they trust their own instincts rather than do whatever their peers are doing. Their confusion should be no surprise! Your children are unique individuals with their own way of looking at and dealing with the world. Their underlying wish is to feel accepted and supported by their parents for who they are.
Freedom to feel
Children feel safe when they feel heard and respected. Sometimes they still have to do what they don't want to do, but provide an opportunity to express their feelings and receive support and reassurance. The parents job is to separate their own personal feelings and desires from those of their children. Giving children freedom to be who they are can be an ongoing challenge, but it is also an important parenting skill.
If your children fall down and feel pain, allow them to cry and feel the pain instead of continuously telling them they are OK or that it wasn't that bad. Sometimes they will cry harder to show you that it really did hurt. Give them language for their pain (that looked like it hurt, or ouch) rather than telling them they don't actually feel it. Sometimes a reassuring smile or hug is all that is needed while they cry their pain away.
If your children express fear or nervousness, allow them to talk about these feelings and respect what they are telling you. I once worked with a father who decided to dunk his son's head under water even after his son expressed fear of being submerged. The son became quite upset and eventually lost interest in swimming. The father thought he was being helpful because he didn't think his son should be afraid. Instead of listening to his son he made a decision based on his experiences as an adult.
Freedom within limits
Healthy parenting also includes structure, discipline, and respect for parental authority. Rules designed for safety and appropriate social behavior are a necessary part of functioning in the world.
There is a difference between following rules and asserting self expression. If you tell your children something that they don't want to hear, like finish your chores or time for bed, they may get upset. Let them know that you hear their frustration. This doesn't mean that they don't have to do what you asked, but give them the satisfaction of knowing their feelings are heard. Saying "I hear that you don't want to pick up your toys, but we have to clean up before we do anything else" can be so much more effective than a lecture about how you clean the house and pick up their things everyday.
My daughter will often cry when I tell her its time to clean up and go to bed. I have tried talking to her about bed time, waking up early, and all the other reasons she needs sleep, but the most effective approach to helping her calm down is being with her in the moment. In a calm voice I tell her that I hear and see her disappointment, but it is still time to go to bed. This usually leads to a hug and a calm discussion about everything she has to look forward to in the morning. Simple acknowledgment can often eliminate a power struggle or an escalation to frustration.
Freedom to find interests
Finally, when children find an interest, encourage and support their choice. Their interests may be different than yours and this can be challenging for many parents. Maybe you envisioned watching your daughter at a ballet recital, but she is showing more interest in softball. Maybe you envisioned coaching your son's baseball team, but he is showing more interest in his piano lessons. Maybe you are an outgoing, talkative person but your child prefers small groups and alone time. You can share who you are and your interests with your children, but leave room for their own passions and true character to emerge. Instead of focusing on who you want them to be, let them tell you who they are.
Copyright © Cathy Cassani Adams, 2007. All Rights Reserved. Used with Permission.
Cathy, a licensed social worker is a PCI Graduate and a PCI instructor and the mother of two daughters. She works as parent coach in the Chicago area. For more information, please visit her website, www.intentionalparent.net.