My Tasks

by Cathy Adams, LCSW, PCI Certified Parent Coach®
Intentional Parenting™, Coaching and Classes

As a working woman my worth was measured by my productivity. I had places to go and people to see. Completing tasks and reaching goals was the essence of my existence. I had a title, an office, and a purpose. I felt a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day and I felt worthy of my paycheck and my weekends. I knew who I was and I knew that all of my educational and previous work experiences had lead up to this point. I had become who I had set out to be.

When I became a mother I had an identity crisis. I had no experience in this job and I was extremely insecure about my day-to-day experiences. Even if I created a task list it was almost impossible to cross things off—time was no longer my own. There was no predictability and no way to measure my productivity. I had stacks of parenting books all over the house and I was constantly calling more experienced mothers to alleviate my daily anxiety. I was a novice—I had started over. At 6:00 p.m. I would often wonder what I did all day. All I knew is that I was living on 5 hours of interrupted sleep and that I had kept my baby alive. Is that really all I had to show for myself?

Even when I was experiencing beautiful moments with my baby my mind would drift to her nap time when I would really get things done. While my baby slept I would accomplish the tasks that I deemed important. I would cross whatever I could off my list. I loved the natural high of getting things accomplished, but like a drug, it was never enough and I always wanted more. It often felt like I was just moving through the time with my baby so I could have more valuable time with my computer and my check list. After all, this is how I had always measured the effectiveness of a day. I began to realize how detached I was from my new life. I was using an old set of rules and standards that did not work in my new situation. I no longer knew who I was or how to validate my importance.

After lots of time, intimate discussion and personal contemplation I realized the distinct difference between work and parenting. At work you practice efficiency and demonstrate productivity, but when you parent you have to slow down and live in the moment. Effective parenting depends on becoming emotionally available and physically present with your child. Your worth is no longer measured by completed tasks and busy-ness; it is measured by picking up your child when she cries, having important conversation during dinner, and teaching your child why eating play dough is yucky. My duties are constantly evolving, but I know that I have the greatest responsibility in the world. I have developed a great respect for my identity.

My children are my teachers. Children only live in the present so I try to experience their world when we are together. For them, every experience is exciting and there is always something to learn. They repeat the same stories and they choose the same books over and over again; they enjoy unfolding freshly folded laundry, and building a tower and knocking it down is much more fun the 10th time. They have all the time in the world. At times my mind can still drift to time on my computer or a much-desired trip to Target, but at least now I recognize these as second tier needs. I now derive a sense of satisfaction from the simple things. Feeding, bathing and putting my kids to bed are my favorite ways to end a day.

Making the shift to slow down with my children might always be a work in progress, but at least I know that I have fully embraced who I am. I know that when I am with my daughters, there is nowhere else that I am supposed to be. There is nothing else that I should be doing and there is no task that can't wait until we are done spending time together. I had to make a necessary shift in my identity and my purpose in this world. I decided that I want to be available to my children, I want to have a relationship with my children, and I want my children to always know their importance. These tasks are my priority, and I know they will take time, love and patience.

Cathy Adams is a PCI Certified Parent Coach® who coaches and teaches parenting classes as her schedule allows. Visit her Web site at: intentionalparent.net.