Talking About Feelings
by Cathy Cassani Adams, PCI Certified Parent Coach®
My daughter loves to play games, but she dislikes putting them away. Sometimes she whines as she picks up game pieces and cards off the floor. She often struggles as she tries to fold the game board correctly. To express how she feels, she throws a card and puts her head down on the table. I use this as an opportunity to talk to her about her feelings. I tell her that she seems really frustrated, and she tells me more about what she is experiencing. Together we talk about different tools she can use to calm down and feel better. Maybe she could ask for help, take some deep breaths, or she could walk away for a few minutes. This discussion helps to alleviate some of her frustration, and my hope is that she understands that she has the ability to move herself through this experience.
Identifying feelings
My daughter is only three so she often needs help identifying what she is feeling. Young children may have a hard time identifying and discussing emotions because the words have not yet entered their vocabulary. A feelings poster or mood magnet (www.feelingscompany.com) in your child's room or somewhere in your house is an easy way to identify emotions. It contains many different faces with the emotions listed underneath. If your children are unable to give you a word to describe how they are feeling, they can just point to a face. One of my clients had her children practice different "feelings faces" in the mirror. Once they identified what each face represented, she took pictures of them and created a personalized "feelings sheet" with their photos. This was a creative and fun experience for the family, and the result was a wonderful resource for her children.
Expressing feelings through behavior
I suggest to my clients that they talk to their children about feelings after a behavior episode (hitting, tantrums, or inappropriate language). Inappropriate behavior often signals that your child is dealing with a strong emotion and they are not sure how to deal with it. Hitting and other types of aggression often result from an inability to communicate feelings or an inability to feel understood. Appropriate discipline is usually necessary after a child demonstrates aggression, but I recommend a follow up discussion as part of the routine. The follow up discussion after discipline provides an opportunity to discuss why the behavior was inappropriate, and what can be done differently next time. It's an opportunity to teach and an opportunity for your child to be heard. This concept is an important teaching tool for younger children, and it can lead to increased communication with older children. A father in one of my classes was heartbroken and frustrated when his oldest daughter yelled, "I hate you!" after a disagreement. Feeling empowered to talk about feelings, he went home that night and told her that it is OK to feel anger and frustration, but it is not OK for her to use hurtful words and a disrespectful tone. They calmly discussed what she could do next time she felt strong emotion. He told me it was the longest discussion he has ever had with this teenage daughter, and he felt they were creating a new way to communicate.
Role modeling feelings
Having an emotional experience in front of a child is often unavoidable. If you are frustrated or sad, it is okay to show how you are feeling – especially if you discuss what you are going to do to help yourself feel better. Witnessing a parent dealing with emotions can be a valuable learning experience for your children—they are able to watch the release and the recovery. Demonstrating emotion can be educational, but seeking comfort from your child is not a good choice. The parent is the caregiver in the relationship and children should never feel that it is their responsibility to console or take care of you. Through appropriate role modeling you give permission to show and discuss feelings in a safe environment. For example, one of my clients was devastated when the family pet died. She tried to hold it together and be strong "for her kids." Her sons seemed shut down and they were spending a lot of time alone. During a family dinner my client could no longer handle what she was feeling and she began to cry. Her sons and her husband began to cry along with her, and they spent the rest of the evening discussing how their family had changed, and what they were going to do to get through their grief together.
When children share
When children decide to share how they feel with you, it is important to validate what they are experiencing. If they tell you that they are scared of the dark, they are looking for understanding and support. Telling them that they should not be scared or that they are too old to be afraid is not respectful of their inner experience, and it may result in a communication shut down. Ask what scares them and ask what you can do to help. My daughter recently told me that she is afraid of her reflection in the window. We had a big discussion about a window reflection being just like a mirror. We also talked about how she could make funny faces at herself to make it less scary. We talked about tools she could use to help herself feel better. Finally, I asked what I could do to help her. She said, "Close the blinds." Simple enough!
Cathy Cassani Adams, LCSW, PCI Certified Parent Coach
Intentional Parenting™, Coaching and Classes
cathycadams@sbcglobal.net or
www.intentionalparent.net