Live and Play in Your World
by Gloria DeGaetano
Recent PlayStation ads command us: "Live in Your World, Play in Ours."
And what is that world they want us, and our children, to play in? A world artificially constructed by others to keep eyeballs glued on images that are also constructed by others. A world where game rules belong to distant strangers, who also dictate indicators of game success and what is currently "cool" if you want to be top dog. And what, pray tell, are we "playing?" in this world? We "play" at being bullies, sexist pigs, demeanors and dominators, laughing at others' sufferings. We "play" at striking out violently, blowing things up for "fun." We play at being sadists, rapists, and murderers.
So what's the difference between playing violent video games and playing pretend, you know the old-fashioned way in the natural world—the world we live and still breathe in? After all, kids have always played violently, haven't they?
Yes, but play in its human form, as opposed to its machine form, has built-in regulators. We may make guns out of our peanut butter sandwiches when we are seven, but that would be considered quite babyish when we are seventeen and in possession of a healthy self-identity with capacity for healthy emotional relating. Violent play in early childhood is to be expected and regulated. When it's directed by loving adults, "OK let's make that stick be a wand now with magical powers to heal instead of a sword to kill," children learn more about the celebration of life than feeding an obsession with death.
Violent play in the real world diminishes with maturity because the reason for violent play in the first place is to come to terms with death, suffering, and our ability to harm carte blanche, as guiltless and gut-less low lives we all can be or become. Once we get that figured out, around age 9 or 10, violent play loses its allure. The glamour in making other people suffer leaves permanently. That's the natural way. (For more information on how this works, see my book: Stop Teaching Our Kids to Kill).
Isn't it a great relief to know that if we support our youngsters in their natural play in the 3-D world and guide it to include more life-enhancing elements, that the likely course of events will be a waning, not a waxing of violent tendencies? In my book, Parenting Well in a Media Age, I devised a chart on the distinctions between imaginative play and imitative play. Children will imitate what they see on TV and hear on their iPod. What is crucial is that we make sure their imaginative play far exceeds their imitative play. Imaginative play may include images from the most recent movie, but it would also include bits and pieces of the child's experiences. A tidbit from a visit to grandma's, animals she recently saw at the zoo, a line from the song you sing before she goes to sleep. This is pure and wonderful play that is called generative play, because the child is generating something new, something unique, and something all her own. It is the essence of imaginative play and it's essential for healthy development. Without it, our children are caught in the PlayStation world and have no way of getting out.
It can be seem overwhelming to steer children to make up their own play scenarios and help them enjoy being in those scenarios given the pressure to be a cookie-cutter kid of a counterfeit culture—a culture that continually bombards youngsters with distractions away from their world and with enticements into this un-natural, nihilistic nightmare. So what's a parent to do? At the Parent Coaching Institute we emphasize several important parent actions:
Brain Compatible Parenting™
Try to meet your children's developmental needs and take pressure off yourself to conform to some standard set by the media. It is not a developmental need for a six year-old to own a Game Boy. It is a developmental need for a six year-old to understand that hitting other people is not what kind people do. The child needs to identify himself with kindness, not with bullying behaviors.
Provide More Unstructured than Structured Time
Children who have time to meander their internal landscapes within themselves, are more self-directed. They can entertain themselves more easily. They grow up with an imagination, capacity to innovate, and are intrinsically motivated to learn from and to contribute to others. If your child is so dependent on entertainment media to amuse herself, start out slowly. Help her come up with ideas for playing pretend and play with her until she gets the hang of it. A lovely outcome of playing pretend with our children besides being delighted by their considerable creativity, is that our children respect us more and listen to us better. Research shows that in those times parent join in the play with a genuine curiosity and openness, the child gains a bit more control in these brief encounters. Feeling more in control spills over into the daily routines and the child is less out of control. This worked for me when my sons were little. I can't recommend it highly enough!
Play More Yourself
The demands of life today press in on all sides. Taking a breather to kick or toss a ball, bike or hike, or play a game we enjoy, can go a long way to model for our children the value of play beyond a small screen.
By nurturing our children's natural propensity to play and by playing more ourselves, we give then the gift of not only living and playing in their world, but the know-how and the spirit to create a better world—a world we will all enjoy playing in!
Gloria DeGaetano, founder and director of the Parent Coaching Institute, is a nationally recognized educator, speaker, author, and parent coach.