Looking for Meaning in All the Right Places

by Gloria DeGaetano

My husband and I love ritual-making and find any excuse to create one. Recently, he announced that his stash of Guarana Chai will come to an end in a few months. This wonderfully delicious, unique tea has, unfortunately, been discontinued by Traditional Medicinals®. To assuage his disappointment, David explored the Internet and bought as much as he could find—a supply that has lasted us over a year. But now the pleasure of our favorite tea will soon be over. David proposed a way to honor the bittersweet moment of the last sip. "When we are down to our last two tea bags," he wistfully announced, "let's have a special tea ceremony."

"OK," I agreed readily, putting aside for the moment what we will actually do. The fact that we will do something meaningful to both of us is all that matters. Now that our sons are grown, it will be just the two of us probably sipping our tea slowly, savoring each moment, and stating a few words of respect for such a beautiful brew that will no longer be a part of our lives.

As children and teens, we engaged our sons in these types of experiences regularly and intentionally. Often we would have special moments before and after family meetings to commemorate a significant even in their lives such as completing all home in a week or practicing the piano each day. We encouraged times of quiet introspection on family hikes, picnics, or car rides. "What are we supposed to do, Mommy?" "Just rest a moment, put your heads down, close your eyes and think about ____." I put candles on a dinner table of hot dogs and macaroni and cheese and talked about "ways to eat mindfully with gratitude." In all these types of moments, I cherished their delight as they connected what we were doing with something meaningful. They literally lit up as they recognized the extraordinary spinning out of their "ordinary" day—like magic.

These family times of wonder imprinted a sense of connectedness with each other and with the Larger Picture. I took it seriously that I was their guide into the mystical. Any opening I created for them to enter into a time of communion with the meaningful, I was also helping them appreciate fully what we valued as a family. How meaningful to me!

Several weeks ago I was in Istanbul for speaking engagements. The night I arrived I was dead-tired from a twelve-hour flight, so I immediately crawled into my comfy bed at the hotel. During the night I heard this glorious chanting—a deep resonant voice bathed me in a dream-like acoustic vision. So peaceful! I soaked it in like an eager student absorbs wisdom from a favorite teacher. In the morning, I thought for a moment that the angelic voice had been a dream until I remembered the Muslim Call to Prayer, five times a day. At around 10 P.M., this Call, amplified by a loud speaker, had permeated my hotel room and perfumed me with a reminder of the sacred. Spending a week in Istanbul, one of my favorite things about the city was hearing the Call to Prayer as I went about my day. It brought home to me the importance of infusing our daily routine with simple acts that keep us tuned toward the sacred.

That's what we do as parents when we take time to stop and bring meaning to a moment through a ritual, an activity, or a discussion. It may give us pause to realize that if we don't provide that meaning for our children, they will find meaning somewhere, and the meaning they find may not be the meaning we want them to discover. The human brain has been called, "a meaning-making device." It will try to figure something out and ascribe meaning in order to understand. With the focus on making sense out of the world, the brain doesn't stop to consider: "Is this meaning moral, ethical? Good for me?" First it creates meaning. Only after it has ascribed meaning to an idea or event, will it determine its moral value. And children need on-going help in determining the moral value of anything.

A Canadian research study examining the effects of media violence reported that a seven year-old boy was being put to bed at night and falling asleep to the Freddy Kruger videos. When the researcher asked him, "Weren't you scared?" he responded, "At first I was afraid, but then I pretended to be Freddy Kruger and I wasn't afraid any more." This child made sense out of violence and his response to it, by identifying with the psychopathic killer. We cannot always determine how the child will make meaning about what is presented to him. But one thing we can be sure of: If left on his own, he will ascribe meaning to it that makes the most sense to him at the time.

The holiday season is a wonderful opportunity for parents to provide guidance about the meaningful. Consider the child waiting in line to sit on Santa's lap. Is she learning to be a nagging, willful, unappreciative little girl? Is she figuring out that what is important when you are an adult is to become a consumer because all she sees are uptight people shopping? Or is she learning to express her deepest desires to a symbol of benevolence knowing that she deserves to have her dreams fulfilled? Is she seeing people happy to find gifts for loved ones for a very special occasion? How parents talk about the visit to Santa and shopping trips with that little one will determine what meaning she gives them—for now and for long into the future.

In my book Parenting Well in a Media Age, I point out:

"Today's industry-generated culture actually interferes with our being able to teach and pass on our deepest values because it promotes a superficial life, with addictions and despair likely outcomes for many. It cannot give us a life-promoting belief system to further the optimal development of future generations because it is not a culture of and for the real people, but a culture of and for objects.

An industry-generated culture is, by its very nature, impersonal. It does not care. It does not know our kids and doesn't want to (In the sense of real knowledge apart from their consuming habits and vulnerability as consumers.) It can't teach our kids patience or morality or help them learn about themselves. Only we can do that. If the industry-generated mass culture replaces the basic function of culture in our lives, we are likely headed into increased family and societal dysfunction. We will lose control of what is known as the 'symbolic constructs and rituals' that previously gave our lives meaning."

I don't know about you, but it saddens me to read about the two teenage boys who didn't mind missing Thanksgiving Dinner as they waited in line for 16 hours in order to be able to buy the latest video gaming system, the day after Thanksgiving. They had their Cup of Noodles instant soup while waiting in the freezing rain for an object they had to have, but not noticing what they lost in dismissing the ritual of Thanksgiving and what that holiday represents—or used to represent. Perhaps they didn't have a family to celebrate with? The article never said.

Recently I had the great privilege of interviewing Debby Weidener, PCI Certified Parent Coach® and principal of Parent Ease Coaching on Parent Appreciation Radio. She and I talked about some of the things parents can do during holiday seasons to infuse meaning so our children will learn about what we value. Here are some of the ideas we discussed:

Honor the Darkness

As days get shorter until Dec. 21, the darkness can remind us that we are building toward the coming back of the light. The lights at the holiday season represent this shift in the natural cycle. However, being too hasty with brining in the light shortchanges autumn and what it represents. We can postpone putting up our outdoor lights and do a ceremony with candles in the darkness to honor it and be in it awhile. Kids love power outages so that they can snuggle into the blackness with us and safely feel that primordial connection to emptiness. We can hold "pretend power outages" and have a fire in the fireplace, roast marshmallows, tell stories and help children honor this time of year. When the light arrives, they will appreciate it in new ways!

Slow Down

Debby points out that there are so many options for things to do during the holidays, she likes to ask herself, "What am I not going to do?" Take time to reflect upon your priorities and don't try to do too much. Parents who are less stressed and feeling rested are much more fun to be around!

Ask the Children What's Important

Instead of dealing with the busy and hectic malls the day after Thanksgiving, our family had a meeting to discuss what was important to each person for the upcoming holidays. It can be surprising what children want to hold onto for tradition's sake. When Debby found herself in a new home around the holiday time, she thought this would be a good time to shift from decorating the outside with swags to going to lights. In discussing her ideas with her children, she found out they wanted to keep the swags, like they always had—even in their new home. She feels fortunate she didn't go full-steam ahead with the lights. By talking things over with the kids she found out what was important to them.

Adjust Traditions as the Children Grow

As my sons matured, they didn't always care if we had a tree or not. What became more important when they came home from college for the winter break was good food and family outings. So some Christmas seasons we had a tree and some we didn't. This caused me to realize I like it better with a tree as the tree, for me, represents the ancient Tree of Life, and symbolizes vitality and transformation. Now we have a tree for that reason. So this is one tradition that has morphed from doing it for the kids into Mom's important thing!

Plan Ahead

Debby wants to make sure she takes the time to make her family's special Christmas Tree Fruitcake with her daughters, ages 13 and 16. She hasn't done this before and it has become an important, anticipated activity for all. So she is planning her time so that she and the girls can have a relaxed time in the kitchen with her girls learning how to make this significant contribution to the family feast. The weeks before the holiday season can fly. By taking out our calendar and carving out the time for those special moments, we ensure beautiful memories.

Start Something New

One mother Debby knows said that she has the children write letters of appreciation to each other and then puts them into their stockings. They read them on Christmas Day after they open their presents, being reminded of their wonderful qualities and of their siblings' appreciation, too. She has shared this idea with other parents who want to start it as a tradition. It can be fun to find out what others' do and adopt a new activity that will further the meaning of the holidays for us.

Opportunities for meaning-making, whether at holiday seasons or during the routine days of our lives, are ways to teach our children a belief system. In guiding our children in meaningful beliefs that honor family, contribution, care for our neighbors, and support for one another, we are actually infusing our society with future adults who can respond well to our many challenges. Willis Harmon gives us food for thought when he writes:

"What you believe determines what you perceive as reality.
What you believe determines what you feel you can do about it.
What you believe determines the exhilaration and joy you get out of life.
Some beliefs are wholesome; others are definitely unwholesome.
Beliefs can be changed.
In a life that is constructed around an inadequate or erroneous set of basic beliefs,
  it will include a lot of problems and pain.
If a society is guided by an inadequate or erroneous set of basic beliefs,
  it will tend to foster a great deal of human misery.
At the level of society, too, beliefs can be changed."

My belief is that the best way to change society's erroneous beliefs is for parents to help children find meaning in all the right places—with us as their primary guides.

References:

Parenting Well in a Media Age: Keeping Our Kids Human, Gloria DeGaetano, Personhood Press, 2005.

"Metanoic Organizations in the Transition to a Sustainable Society," Charles Kiefer and Peter Senge in Technological Forecasting and Social Change, vol. 22, pp. 109–122, 1982.