Building the Foundation for Resiliency Skills Through
Brain Compatible Parenting™

by Gloria DeGaetano, CEO and Founder, The Parent Coaching Institute

If we think about what qualities we want our children to have as adults, most of us would put this quality at the top of the list—the ability to hold fast and steady during troubling times. We want our children to grow to be resilient in the face of adversity. By knowing how to navigate hardship without being bitter, by proactively addressing challenges, and by courageously confronting obstacles, children become equipped to dive deep into life's gifts, enjoying their lives in the fullest possible ways—even during the inevitable times of suffering.

During the eighteen-year parenting journey, we have many opportunities to help make all this possible for our children. The beauty of the design of the parent-child bond is that it is a natural way to build our children's capacity for resilience, meet the needs of their growing brains, and instill in them resiliency skills that they will take with them into all aspects of their adult lives.

Resilience and Resiliency Skills in a Living System

It's important to distinguish between resilience and resiliency skills.

Resilience is an attribute of a living system system, whether that system is an individual, a family, or a community. Resiliency means that the system can do two things:

1. Absorb an impact that is disturbing, and then…
2. Return to its original purpose, keeping on track with its direction, focus, and intent.

We can't impose growth on a living system. We can only provide what is needed for the system to grow, remove obstacles to natural growth, and lovingly encourage growth. The living system grow itself. That means that the inherent capacity for resilience lies within any living system whether a person, family, or community. (1)

Resiliency skills, such as the courage to face fears or the ability to self-reliant, develop readily in the living system of the human being that grows up with the attribute of resilience. Resiliency skills give access to the inherent resiliency within, and can provide the means for enhanced development. But a learned skill is not likely to transform a non-resilient personality structure into a capacity for resilience. The capacity for resilience is a foundation for learning and a person brings that capacity into the learning process. An non-resilient personality, then, will do something different with the resilience skills than a resilient personally structure will. Put simply: Parents build resilience when meeting children's cognitive, emotional, and social development. All resiliency skills stem from that.

The last few decades of the research on self-esteem give us a good comparison model. The need for feeling good about self was addressed by increasing children's and teen's "self-esteem activities." But try as they might, parents and teachers couldn't impose self-esteem…over the years we have learned that self-esteem, well…it must come from the self to make a difference. We can catalyze it by what we do or don't do; we can provide an environment for children to understand themselves. But we can't impose it. In fact, research shows that many times youth who are aggressive and violent tend to think themselves as superior. They feel great about themselves! (2)

We cannot short-change the process of growth for teens and adolescents to discover their skills and to learn new ones that support their self-understanding. By allowing and nurturing this process, self-esteem emerges as a natural outgrowth. In The Resilience Factor, Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte write, "Research tells us that doing well helps you feel good about yourself….By teaching children how to…solve problems and do well in life…their self-esteem…will increase on their own. Slogans are unnecessary." (3)

This is true for resiliency as well.

Five Important Areas to Develop the Capacity for Resilience

Children have needs to be met. When those needs are met, they grow and thrive just like a healthy garden when it receives what it needs. And that means, like plants, children become more hardy and equipped to weather the storms when they have their growth needs met. Bonnie Bernard who has done much research on resiliency has written, "…resiliency is simply the natural outcome of healthy human development in which the personality and environmental influence interact in a reciprocal, transactional relationship." (4) Parents, like master gardeners, provide the components for children to flourish. In effect, resiliency skills are the flowers that pollinate further growth. The capacity for resilience is the stem that supports the flowers.

There are five basic, essential needs of all humans that if not met, keep us from blossoming into the complete individuals we are meant to be. These needs can easily be thwarted in our increasingly stressful society. I call them The Vital Five™ because without them we wither, dry up and lose joy and fulfillment. We lose vitality. We are more prone to disease because we are not at ease with life. These essential needs not only make us human, they keep us human. And they provide the essential foundation for building within our children the capacity for resiliency.

For the purpose of this article, I will first discuss three likely outcomes of focusing on The Vital Five™ in your daily decisions with your children—autonomy, social competence, and a positive, can-do attitude. These three attributes are critical to developing resiliency capacities. (For a complete discussion of The Vital Five™, see Parenting Well in a Media Age: Keeping Our Kids Human, Gloria DeGaetano, Personhood Press, 2004.)

After this discussion, I provide ideas and activities for increasing the loving bond between parent and child at all ages from infancy through adolescence. My hope is that this will affirm what you are already doing and help you see that so many Brain-Compatible Parenting™ strategies are available to you when you connect authentically with your children. The article concludes with a brief summary.

The Three Bonus Gifts of Focusing on The Vital Five™

There are many valuable gifts for our children that grow out of Brain-Compatible Parenting™. Three important ones are autonomy, social competence, and a positive, can-do attitude.

Autonomy

Children who understand who they are and what they are capable of possess a sense of self that no one take away from them. Since a consumer-driven culture with its emphasis on the material must always focus on the external in order for it to exist, it's no wonder that as a society we don't place an emphasis on the growth of an interior life. Inner qualities, like integrity, are invisible and thus can't be seen or valued as significant. Therefore, parents must be quite intentional in creating home and local community environments that allow children and teens access to their inner terrain. By encouraging children and teens to develop a relationship to self, we support the growth of their autonomy.

A sense of autonomy would include a sense of self as a learner—a person capable of growing and becoming more, willingly embracing opportunities, possibilities, and continued growth. A sobering statistic can give us pause about the way our youth think of themselves as capable learners: Every nine seconds, a student drops out of school in America. The most recent national statistics peg the national high school graduation rate at only 69.9 percent. (5)

If we want to raise children with character, it's important to remember that virtues, such as honesty, empathy, and generosity, make up the personality. They can't be imposed or taught. Rather they are birthed inside of a person when the interior life of the person reflects those qualities.

An interior life is to our minds what an enclosed porch is to our house. It's a place separate from, yet a part of the structure in which we live. It's a place to meet ourselves and have a good chat. It's a seclusion to muse and ponder. It's a timeout where we can regroup and understand ourselves better. We enter when we wish and leave when it's time. Hopefully, it's a room of light; a place where we achieve clarity and purpose.

Discovering and building an inner life leads to autonomy and brings important insights for interacting healthily with others—a pre-requisite for social competence.

Social Competence

Empathy, communication skills, and the ability to ask for relevant help and accept it are all hallmarks of a strong character that knows how to be resilient in troubling times. The epidemic of bullying and social aggression that plagues our schools provides strong evidence indicators that many children today are growing up without an understanding of basic inter-communication skills. McClellan and Katz point out "that peer relationships in particular contribute a great deal to both social and cognitive development and to the effectiveness with which we function as adults." (6) They site Hartup's research in which he shows clearly that "'the single best childhood predictor of adult adaptation is not school grades, and not classroom behavior, but rather, the adequacy with which the child gets along with other children. Children who are generally disliked, who are aggressive and disruptive, who are unable to sustain close relationships with other children, and who cannot establish a place for themselves in the peer culture are seriously at risk' The risks are many: poor mental health, dropping out of school, low achievement and other school difficulties, and poor employment history." (7)

Modeling and encouraging supportive friendships; teaching children how to express their feelings; listening and guiding children's challenges with peers without imposing specific solutions; teaching children cooperation and negotiating skills—all go a long way to instilling social competence. It is important to realize that with the Vital Five™ as foundation, children and teens will have the attention processes in place, the metacognitive skills activated, and the inherent self-identity to learn all these important social skills that enable resiliency.

A Positive, Can-Do Attitude

We can't always be happy. In fact, in the midst of our trials or others' hardships it is not healthy to be happy. With a big movement in "positive affirmation" and "authentic happiness" currently in mainstream thought, it can seem that if we are not happy, we must be living our life wrong somehow.

The late Gerald May, a psychiatrist whose books have included Simply Sane and The Open Way, makes a thought-provoking statement about what he called, "the happiness mentality":

Human beings who adhere to the happiness mentality are continually attempting to deprive themselves of the rich dark side of life, the leaven, the creative complementarity without which happiness is empty. If these attempts are successful, life's experiences become as flimsy as tissue. If the attempts fail, people feel that something is deeply wrong inside them. Neither way allows the precious, beautiful, awesome possibilities of accepting the richness of life as it presents itself in each moment.

Perhaps the greatest inherent defect of the happiness mentality is that it prohibits sensitivity and responsiveness to the suffering of others. The happiness mentality maintains that one must first organize one's own life toward the absence of discomfort. Even if a person manages to accomplish this for a brief period of time, the terrible pain in the rest of the world still exists. One then has an extremely limited range of options in responding to this pain. One can deny it, shut it out of awareness through 'selective inattention,' or one can engage in brief sophomoric attempts to rationalize it. But the fact remains: private happiness can exist as a permanent condition in the midst of public suffering only if it is based on delusion. (8)

Therefore, encouraging our children to be positive doesn't mean they will always be happy. Rather, we want them to express sad feelings for others' hardships, while keeping an attitude of hope and possibility. Being able to do this would be the natural outcome of autonomy and social competence. Children grow in understanding others if they understand self and the limits and possibilities of their individuality in the world of peers and adult relationships. Developing autonomy and social competence in a home environment that emphasizes The Vital Five™ means that children participate more fully in their own development and are more fully engaged with others, being aware of others without being wary of them. Trust of self and trust of others begins to sprout internal indicators that hope and being positive are OK—that these emotions can help an individual steer accurately on course with bumpy roads and unexpected twists and turns.

Let Our Love Guide Us

The biologist Humberto Maturano reminds us that "love is the only emotion that expands intelligence" (9) Parental love is the constant that never changes over the years and that supports our wise choices for our children's optimal cognitive, emotional, and social development. Our fierce love wants only the very best for our kids. Tapping into that love amid daily distractions catalyzes the energy required to parent well in this crazy culture. As we love our children, the reciprocal love they pour back to us can spur us to get through a tiring day when we feel we can't go another step.

One effective way is to observe what we love most about our children – their great questions, the way they treat their friends or care for their pets – whatever we know to be their unique gifts. Making up a list of these can help. Then we can draw them out in daily conversations with our kids. This builds self-confidence and makes their self-respect blossom—a child who naturally respects self will have a firm foundation when adversity strikes. A bonus is that when we share in this heart-energy with children, time seems to slow down and we experience a deep, truly sacred connection with them.

Below are ways to nourish the loving bond with our children from birth through the teen years.

Ideas for Bonding with Babies

Staying close to your baby during the day:

• As you walk around doing light chores, use a snuggly so your baby can be close to your body and feel your heartbeat.
• Sing quiet songs or hum restful melodies as you rock your baby slowly in rhythm.
• Make as much eye contact as you can with your child by playing facial games of imitating various expressions, talking with your child, singing, cooing and basically having as much fun interacting with your baby as you can. Delight in her every new achievement; affirm every time he tries something new.
• Take care of yourself. You can only interact with and enjoy your baby to the degree that you have the energy to do so. Asking for help and accepting support for household tasks and other duties that require your attention means that you have more attention for your child. You will not regret the time and love you lavish on your baby. A secure infant is on a trajectory for a fulfilling life.

Ideas for Bonding with Young Children

Toddlers, preschoolers, and kindergarteners are very busy and so are we! Here are some ideas for bonding with them throughout a busy day:

Take twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes in the evening to play with your child. Make a room out of a blanket over the kitchen table or build a tower with blocks with your child, you will learn much about how your child perceives his/her world. You also strengthen your child's feelings of security, trust, and belonging.

When in the car running errands, point out what you see and discuss various colors and shapes. Talk about what you will be doing, such as: "First we're going to the Post Office. Then we'll go grocery shopping." Give your child something age-appropriate to do, such as dropping a letter into a slot at the Post Office or choosing apples to put in the cart at the grocery store. Affirm all efforts. Keep your child involved in the process.

Slow down the pace of your day by talking with your child. A conversation interlude with a little one can be very poetic and awe-inspiring. Often youngsters say and see things from an interesting and unique perspective. Their self-expression blossoms with parental attention and authentic curiosity. Some questions you may want to ask: How would you describe _________? What else could _________ be? If you could change _________ what would you do?

Have other adults to talk with. Especially if you are a stay-at-home-parent or a single parent, make it a priority to have a weekly conversation or get-together with a trusted friend. You will be much more present and available to your child when you have predictable breaks for adult conversations away from your child.

Bonding with Children, Ages 6-10

Babies and young children deliberately bond with us, continually seeking love and comfort. As our children grow into middle childhood and begin their journey toward independence, it is we who have to become more intentional about keeping and deepening the parent-child bond. Because this stage of development warrants exploration of children's skills and talents, it's tempting to keep them very busy with music or dance lessons, sports, and other extra-curricular activities. But really what matters most is the time we spend relating to them.

There's been a lot of talk and controversy over parent-child quality time. Have you ever defined what "quality time" with your child or children would mean? What does it look like? Do you know when you experience it? Does your child? Reflecting on what makes quality time of quality can be interesting and can help busy parents orchestrate the types of experiences they want with their children. For quality time to strengthen the parent-child relationship, it would be characterized by three important elements:

• An experience of shared feelings
• A valuing of each other
• A recognition of connection

Most parents can give examples of times with their children that reflect these three elements. One mother of a nine year-old son told me, "When I take Isaac to soccer practice, he usually tells me about his day. In the car, it's just he and I. We don't even turn the radio on because there is just this great atmosphere of sharing. He'll tell me about his day, the good things, the not-so-good things. I listen as best as I can and ask him questions to find out more how he's thinking. I'm always fascinated by what he says. He has great insights for a kid his age. He'll give me a quick hug before he gets out of the car and look me in the eyes with a sheepish grin. Usually, he says, 'Thanks, mom.' We both know he's thanking me not only for the ride to the soccer field, but for something intangible as well."

This mother obviously values her son, and her son, in his own way, shows he values her. She makes emotional space for him to be able to talk to her by limiting the distractions when they are together in the car. In making the regular drive to soccer practice a reliable opportunity for shared time, she nurtures the connection between them—even in the midst of a busy day. Of course, a lot of times when we're driving our kids to sports' practices or other activities, we have their friends in the car with us and can't use the time for a parent-child sharing. That's understandable. The important thing is that during this stage of our children's development, we use the time we do have to intentionally bond with them.

I was shopping with my husband about a week before Thanksgiving one year and saw something I will never forget. A young girl, around eight years-old, was with her mother. As they traveled down the aisles, the mom had to steer her daughter so she wouldn't walk into anything because the girl's face was buried in a Game Boy. Not talking to each other, mother and daughter walked around the grocery store as if robots being given marching orders by the hand-held device. The only time they looked at each other and spoke was when the Game Boy malfunctioned. There they were trying to figure it out in front of the meat counter, as people huddled around them trying to pick up their Thanksgiving turkeys. The two were oblivious to the impatient crowd. The Game Boy held their attention until, finally, it was fixed. They then continued as they had before, walking the aisles, mother wordlessly steering daughter, while daughter fixated on the small screen.

For parents, grocery shopping may not be the most exciting event. But with a child before a holiday it can be an opportunity to talk about plans for Thanksgiving dinner; pointing out varieties of brightly-colored gourds, commenting on all the varieties of flowers on display, and discussing buying decisions. If we don't consider such a mundane task as grocery shopping as significant, the mass media culture can waltz right in and disrupt the parent-child bond, as in the case between that mother and her daughter. We can communicate to our kids that we value them in many ways and places. We will never get the "right time" or the "perfect setting" to strengthen our relationship with them. That means it's wise to think of the times that we do have as very important our task of intentionally bonding with them, as especially critical. Jewish theologian Martin Buber proposed two ways of human interaction. An "I-It" approach where we view the other as an object, distant from us, like a thing, without a soul. Or an "I-Thou" approach where the other is valued as a unique person to be appreciated in his or her own right—a sacred being. (10)

Consciously bringing in the three elements of bonding (sharing, valuing, and connecting) when we interact with our children is a way to pay attention to the "whole universe" of who they are, even during difficult times. In so doing, we approach our children from an "I-Thou" standpoint, which allows for authentic emotional intimacy to emerge. Respecting our kids doesn't mean giving up our authority. Rather when we gain our kids' respect, we have appropriate parental authority. They listen to us better because they trust us to act in our integrity on their behalf.

Productive love that can transform another human being has four major qualities: care, responsibility, knowledge, and respect. (11) It's easy to understand the parental role as one of care and responsibility. Likewise, we must be knowledgeable about our children in order to meet their needs. But somehow, the quality of respect isn't naturally ascribed to the parent-child bond. Yet, during the ages of six through ten, if children don't come to respect their parents and vice-versa, adolescence can be more difficult than it has to be.

Without validation human beings despair. We all want to be seen and recognized for who we are. We all need to feel like we belong. Humans long for that. Parental respect validates children and enables them to feel significant. As we spend time with our children we not only silently express that we value them, but we also silently tell them that we value our parental role. Let's face it, when kids are left in an emotional void without parental guidance, what are some conclusions they can easily come to? That they aren't worth the parent's time. And that the parent disdains his or her job because the child is so horrible. In thinking that they aren't good enough, children can easily escalate those thoughts to resent the parent's absence. Yet, understand it, too. "After all, maybe my mom or dad would like being parents better, if I were better," a child might think to herself. As we validate our kids, we also validate ourselves as parents in their eyes.

When we pattern our lives to weave into the daily grind moments of delightful sharing with our youngsters, we positively shape our youngsters' self-identity. Also, we imprint positive messages inside our kids' heads. The parental voice is by its nature, very powerful and can work can work powerfully for good. Just by being with our kids and making appreciative comments, keeping curious and affirming their ideas and efforts, we make a lasting impression on their future self-talk and their ability to bounce back from difficult experiences. As adults, children who have had the advantage of the presence and availability of a loving parent are much more likely to be gentler with themselves and talk to themselves in kind ways when presented with life's many challenges. They learn how to listen to the wise self within.

Appreciative statements and questions for children, ages 6-10:

• What I most appreciate about the way you handled that situation was...
• I very much want to hear what you have to say, so I'm going to stop cooking dinner for a while and let's sit down and talk this over.
• When we play checkers (chess, board games, etc.) I really enjoy watching you think.
• I so love spending this time with you!
• When we work together in the (garden, kitchen, etc.) I notice that you...and I really appreciate that about you. Do you notice that about yourself, too?
• Did you know your eyes light up and you glow when you are creating something new like…
• I love watching your curiosity (imagination, thinking, kindness) at work.
• You have many talents and skills. Which ones do you like best?
• I admire how you are taking good care of your (dog, kitten, schoolbooks, etc.) You are learning to value what's important.
• I cherish you!

Creating space for bonding

A part of our job as a parent is to be a "space creator." We can limit distractions so that there is space for parent-child sharing. Some ways to allow for meaningful conversations with our children include:

• Keep the TV off when no one is watching.
• Sit down and take ten minutes to be there when you know your child will be in the room. Don't read or do anything. Say you are having some down time, but you can be interrupted.
• Invite your son or daughter to a book talk or lecture at the local library or museum on a topic of mutual interest. Afterwards share your thoughts together over a meal or snack.
• Make it a family ritual that you and your spouse spend one-on-one time with each of the children on a regular basis. Some families find that taking each child out to dinner offers opportunities to ignite conversations that might not take place around the family dinner table.
• Carve a slice out of the weekend, such as a Friday evening, a Saturday afternoon, or a Sunday morning that would specifically be set aside for a special activity with your son or daughter—such as a long walk together, working together on a house project like cleaning out the garage, or discussing and helping with homework. Keep this time sacred and don't allow your child to schedule anything else during it.

Strengthening the Parent-Teen Relationship

A psychiatrist friend of mine told me as my sons and I were navigating adolescence, "If your teens aren't driving you crazy, they're not doing their job." Well, I thought, thank you very much. They are doing a fine job, as half the time I was worried sick and the other half I was arguing with them, over one thing or another. Not real conducive to loving bonding. I found that the turbulent teens were much like the terrible twos, except you could reason better with a two year-old than you could with a fifteen year-old.

In all the hassles that come up between children and parents during adolescence it's important to remember that if we have done our job well, their job will be to break away from us. We can no longer develop our bond and in many ways we must let it go. But as we shall see, we can do things to strengthen the bond, so that after they find themselves as adults, they will come look for us. And being in their early twenties, with a successful adolescence behind them, parent and child can begin the new adventure of learning how to be adults together. That's how it's supposed to work. But what to do in the meantime?

First, it's important to remember that the teen brain is still growing and all the gray matter is not there yet, no matter how sophisticated your teen may want to appear. The human brain reaches full maturity at age twenty-two or twenty-three. So trying to explain something logically to your teen may not always click. Keeping our responses short and to the point can help alleviate a potential blow-up. Also using a firm voice with confidence can be very productive as teens will respond to the most expedient. If your voice carries authority, they will catch that quickly.

A second important consideration is that most parents have to work very hard to allow their children to break their bond with us. We naturally want to hold on, especially mothers. So being gentle with ourselves is crucial. Supporting ourselves to support our teens goes a long way to strengthen a roller-coaster relationship.

It helps to use appreciative language as much as we can. Giving teens choices, acknowledging all the skills they do have, and showing them that we value their contributions are worthy parental communication skills. Approaching teens from an appreciative view without being Pollyannish about it, demonstrates to them that we truly care and that no matter what, we are there for them.

Appreciative statements and questions for children, ages 11-14:

• I very much want to hear what you have to say and I want to be able to listen to you. Right now I'm trying to get dinner ready, but I'll stop if you think it's important. Or we can talk after dinner. Your choice.
• Sometimes it takes courage and integrity to be your unique self. What do you appreciate about yourself for not going along with your friends in this situation?
• I hope you are valuing all the effort you put into…
• I want you to acknowledge yourself for…
• I know you are feeling badly right now and wish your friend was nicer to you. What can you do to be gentle with yourself until you feel better?
• I'm really grateful for all your help (around the house, when I was sick, with our move, etc.). I hope you know how important your contribution was.
• I'm glad that we don't have to agree and that we can still respect each other's opinions.
• I think it's very positive you can express yourself so well. How are these strong feelings serving you right now?
• I can see that you struggled with that choice and I admire that you took the time you did.
• I am so glad you see that family time is just as important as time with your friends.

Appreciative statements and questions for teens, ages 15-18:

• Mother to daughter: I know you want to spend Friday night and Saturday at Sally's house and that's fine with me, if we can be sure we will have next weekend for a special time together. What would you like to plan to do?
• Father to son: Spending Saturday hiking with John and his family seems like great fun. Next weekend I'd like you and I to take some time to…
• I am growing to respect the adult in you that I see emerging.
• Sounds like that was a tough decision, but you made it!
• I like what I'm seeing in this report card. Your commitment to your academic progress will serve you well.
• I admire how you are taking care of your health (responsibilities, college application, etc.)
• I appreciate the seriousness with which you are approaching drivers' education.
• You know how to make good decisions on your own behalf. Would it help if we discussed the pros and the cons before you decided one way or another?
• I can see that you are trying to understand me and I value that greatly. As you get older, sometimes it's hard for me to let go.
• What you have to say is always important to me. And I appreciate you sharing.

Summary

Autonomy, Social Competence, and a Positive-Can-Do Attitude spring from parenting strategies that focus on the Vital Five™. These parenting strategies are naturally aligned with giving our children's brains all they need to flourish. A Loving Parent-Child Bond is the first and fundamental of The Vital Five™. When children grow up with the many gifts of sustained love and deep attention, there exists within them a strong core identity that enables them to absorb challenge and hardship without succumbing to long-term despair or emotional damage. Resilience is the natural outgrowth of developmental stamina.

Our greatest tasks as parents may be to willingly accept this huge responsibility and make sure that we have the resources within ourselves to give our children the best we have, and to know that is indeed, good enough. Love does not require perfection…it requires human attention and tender care…the natural gifts we give to our children naturally each day.

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