My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy!
Kari Pendray, PCI Certified Parent Coach®
www.sacredartoflife.com
Yesterday, I woke up at 2:30 A.M. after getting about 3½ hours of sleep. I fed my baby her morning bottle, had a strong cup of Pete's coffee with a water chaser. A few moments later, my two kids were running (and crawling) around the house chasing each other and screaming. I thought to myself, "My kids are driving me crazy!"
Does this sound familiar at all? If so, please hear me out….
So, how do our kids drive us crazy? Do they really intend to start the day off and say, "I'm going to make my mom go through the roof today?" Or, could it be that, we, as parents, need to be conscious of the role of having a good parent-child fit, and how it can impact child development?
In one of my favorite parenting books, Proactive Parenting: Guiding Your Child from Two to Six, written by the faculty of Tufts University, researchers found that, when there is a good fit between a child's individual characteristics and those of his /her parents, then the child will develop in a healthy, positive direction. However, the opposite is also true. When there is a mismatch, or poor fit, children begin to show problems, such as, behavioral issues and developmental delay.
How can we generate a good fit with our children with so many other chores on our "To Do" list? Proactive Parenting has a few suggestions. First, it's important to find out where the parent-child fit is not well matched. Is there a regular action that seems to cause the most frustration, such as, mealtimes, bed time, TV time, nap time? What happens? How can you and the child more easily adjust? When do you get easily upset? When does your child get easily upset?
Next, look at how you can change routines to accommodate your needs and the needs of your child. For example, if you have a highly active child, make sure he gets enough physical activity and help him cope with his energy level. Get outside and play soccer or baseball. If weather is an issue, sign up for an indoor sport, or acquire the necessary gear and play outdoors anyway. Everyone needs a little fresh air and exercise to maintain a healthy life. If you delay activities because your child runs out into the middle of the street, practice role playing how to cross the street. Set clear rules and boundaries. Follow through with logical consequences. In this case, tell your child that he can play outside as long as he doesn't go out into the street. When he does, make sure you stick to your promise by going inside. It's painful, but the child brain requires boundaries to function properly.
Being a parent is tough work. There is no doubt about it. If you love your children, and you're not jumping for joy about your daily duties, you're not alone. In an article in January's Parenting magazine, I read that mother's are experiencing a true paradigm when it comes to loving their children. Most mother's say that having children in their life has brought them more joy than ever imaginable. However, there is a catch. When it comes to the daily care of our children, it is ranked just above commuting and household chores. Why? Because the daily care of managing conflict between siblings, getting up in the middle of the night, or cleaning a stage 5 alert diaper, is just not at the top of our list of "favorite things mom's love to do."
I'm an accidental scientist myself with this parenting paradigm. When my 4 year old son acted out recently, I told him, "I don't know why you are continuing to make such poor choices." My gut exploded as soon as I said it. I knew right then, I was setting him up for potential self-esteem disaster. I immediately reframed my sentence by saying, "Remember that last time you made a good choice? Do you remember how you felt? You felt proud and very good about yourself." What can I do to help you make better choices this week?" It opened the door up for a deeper level of communication. As it turns out, I wasn't spending enough quality time with my son, which is usually the case these days since he's now competing with a baby who recently turned into a toddler. If we can admit our mistakes and reframe our parenting plunders, we model humility, and connect with our children in a whole new way. Parents are not perfect.
I have to confess something to you. When I mentioned my thought earlier about "my kids are driving me crazy," I didn't mean crazy in the sense that I was angry and frustrated. Here is the key, I meant, crazy with love. Yes, that's right. I said it. Reframing works here, too.
Earlier this morning, when I heard the kids screaming, I kissed my daughter, reframed my negative emotions into positive ones, and thought, "My kids drive me so crazy I want to hug and kiss and squeeze them all day long." So, I got down on my hands and knees and started chasing them around. We always play a game called, "Gonna getchya." We all laughed so hard. I rolled around with them and kissed them and told them, "You drive me so crazy; I love you both so very much!" Talk about a win-win situation. They received quality love and attention from their mom. I got to be a part of nurturing their growth and development. I also received immense pleasure by watching them giggle. Other benefits include: burning calories and energy, making lifelong memories, and having fun in the process. Here is another fantastic benefit—bonding with your children.
When humans express love, we release a hormone called oxytocin. It signals the pleasure center of the brain. As a result, we feel lots of energy and emotionally connected to the person who stimulated the hormone in the first place. I know I was on oxytocin overload. I have no doubt my children were having fun too. In summary, physically playing with your kids really strengthens the parent-child bond. Here's how….
Physical touch causes our bodies to produce oxytocin. In turn, this promotes a desire to touch and be touched: it's a feedback loop that has multidimensional results. It makes us feel good about the people we care about the most in our lives, and it causes a natural bonding to occur. You may remember reading about oxytocin when you were nursing your baby. Touch produces oxytocin in both mother and child, which is primarily what initially bonds a mother and her baby. Not only does this hormone work well with our children, but it even can improve marital relationships. Just thinking of someone we love can stimulate this hormone. One study found that when women who were in good marriages were asked to think about their husbands, their level of oxytocin rose quickly.
One last great benefit of reframing conflict and loving your kids is compliance. The more attention, love, and affirmation you give your child, the more he or she will respond with compliance. When I acknowledge his frustrations and anger and redirect it in a positive way, he is more willing to act in a peaceful manner. This is a gift that just keeps on giving.
For example, when my son wants to change his outfit two minutes before we leave for preschool, I say, "I understand." (I give him a hug). "You don't like the pants you have on. You can either wear the ones you have on, or change to new ones, but I'm leaving in two minutes. If you're not done, then, unfortunately, you won't be able to go to preschool today." This gives him some independence to make choices, and become more responsible for his choices, which all leads to the development of his self-concept. Luckily, he changes very quickly. Only once did he continue to argue. He's only missed preschool once too.
Remember the saying, "Have you hugged your kids today?" Well, just think about it for a moment. If we hugged our children five times a day, stopped yelling at them in frustration, what effect would we have in the world? We would have more confident children who were raised in loving and caring homes. They might go through their teens making great choices because they were secure in who they are as a person. As a result, we all might even have less violence and make better choices in our society as a whole.
Just for fun—ask yourself these questions today:
- Why are my kids driving me crazy? How can I turn this around from being crazy with frustration, into crazy in love?
- How many times do I yell and act out in frustration, versus model a calm way of managing conflict? What can I do tell help our family with this effort?
- What has worked well in the past when I solved a behavior issue with peaceful resolution?
- How many times do I hug my children a day?
- How can I incorporate more physical play with my children so that I can feel more connected to them?
Kari Pendray, PCI Certified Parent Coach® is the mom to Alex and Sarah. She is the founder and coach for the Sacred Art of Life, the Sacred Art of Parenting, and the Sacred Art of Work (a division of Momentum Consulting Services, LLC). Ms. Pendray has more than 20 years of expertise in training, human resources, marketing, and business development. After orchestrating a major career transition from the corporate world, Ms. Pendray developed her own unique vision and decided to transfer these skills to fulfill a lifelong dream of helping people live their best lives imaginable. For more information please contact Kari at (425) 444-4964 or kpendray@comcast.net.